Emotions… whats with them? Lately it seems like I’ve been on a roller coaster. One minute I’ll be on top of the hill and then something will happen that I’ll feel like I feel all the way to the bottom. I feel as if there’s no more stability and what stability I had, was torn away from me. And every attempt at stabilizing those emotions, falls apart. I constantly feel like I’m on a losing battle and that there isn’t anything I can do. At times in life I feel like I’m self-destructive, that every time I get close to something that could make me happy, I end up doing something extremely stupid to screw it up. It seems like a never ending cycle, and I wish it would just stop. If it were an option I would just purge all these feelings, but being that god felt that we needed them, I’m kind of stuck aren’t I? There have been times I’ve been at work, walking down a hallway, and I’ll feel like breaking down. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
People don’t realize how much companionship is important in life, whether it is a friend, a pet, or someone closer. I spend most of my day working alone, as I am the only “Desktop Support” person and then I go home to more nothingness. Sure, maybe someone I know will be online, but it’s just not the same as hearing someone’s voice. Most of my Marshalltown friends are off with their female counterparts, which is fine, and obviously I can’t be mad at them for that. But it seems like their attitudes towards me have changed, like its my fault that I’m in this mess. I try and I try and I try and I always get the same result. It’s so frustrating, sometimes I feel like I’ve been damned to this kind of life.